I have been instructed by my editor at Cat News Network to provide an update on a couple of stories I have covered recently. Apparently, this is called "follow-up journalism", a concept humans invented because they have an unfortunate tendency to forget what happened five minutes ago.
Before I begin, I should mention that from tomorrow I am being reassigned as a sports reporter for a week or so.
This presents certain difficulties.
I know absolutely nothing about sport. Less than nothing, in fact. If you asked me to explain the offside rule, I would assume it was something to do with an improperly positioned saucer of cream. I pleaded my case, pointing out that my talents lie in politics, public affairs and strategic napping. My editor was unmoved. He informed me that I needed to "broaden my skills".
Very well.
If I am to cover sport, then I shall cover some of Britain's more peculiar sporting traditions. Last week's annual cheese rolling extravaganza provided all the inspiration I needed. Any nation that willingly hurls itself down a near-vertical hill in pursuit of a runaway dairy product clearly deserves closer examination.
But before embarking on that adventure, here are updates on two stories you may remember.
First, Gandalf the goose from Kent.
You may recall that Gandalf and his companion, Ryan Gosling, were living a perfectly respectable life together until a startling incident in mid-May, when Gandalf was allegedly seized by a passing motorist and bundled into the boot of a black estate car.
The suspected goose-napping caused considerable outrage. A £400 reward was offered, locals rallied to the cause, and police eventually arrested a man and woman in their twenties on suspicion of animal cruelty. The pair have since been released on police bail while investigations continue.
The good news is that Gandalf has now been found.
He is currently residing in what sources describe as a "safe house". In reality, this appears to be a pond in an undisclosed village somewhere in Kent. This is perhaps the first time in history that a goose has entered something resembling witness protection.
Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling is reportedly delighted by the reunion, proving once again that geese are capable of forming lifelong bonds while many humans struggle to maintain a WhatsApp group.
My second follow-up concerns British legal tender.
Earlier this year, you may remember, the humans at the Bank of England announced that historical figures may be replaced by animals and birds on the next generation of banknotes.
As I observed at the time, this was the first genuinely sensible financial policy I had encountered in years.
Quite how long it takes to produce a shortlist remains a mystery. We are not selecting astronauts for a mission to Mars. We are choosing animals. Most of us can compile a perfectly satisfactory list in under thirty seconds.
Despite sending a series of polite but persistent emails to the relevant parties, I have received precisely no response.
Nothing.
Not a note. Not an acknowledgement. Not even one of those automated messages informing me that my email is important to them while simultaneously demonstrating that it isn't.
I believe humans refer to this practice as "ghosting".
Frankly, it is astonishing.
I am a national institution. I am a symbol of calm authority. I have spent years occupying the nerve centre of British government and, more importantly, sitting directly on important paperwork whenever circumstances required it.
Yet somehow my candidacy appears to be under consideration by nobody.
History will judge them harshly.
I must leave you now. I have sporting matters to investigate and, presumably, rules to misunderstand.
Besides, Westminster is currently preoccupied with what insiders describe as potentially "excruciating" revelations contained within the so-called New Mandelson papers.
Private messages between ministers and Lord Mandelson are expected to be released, prompting scenes of panic normally associated with cats unexpectedly encountering cucumbers.
Around Downing Street, officials are running about like headless chickens. As a cat, I find this expression somewhat insensitive, but undeniably accurate.
My advice, as ever, is simple.
Stay calm. And Larry on.
#larrythecat #cats #cutecat #pets #animals 
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