Battle of the household chores: how to divvy up domestic duties
Psychologist Niamh Delmar shares her tips for finding domestic bliss.
While men's contributions to domestic life and childcare have increased significantly over the last half- century, surveys reveal that over 80% of couples living together argue about household chores.
Couples counsellors find it is a common source of frustration, especially for women. According to a report conducted by the Central Statistics Office, females in opposite sex couples stated having responsibility for most household chores, grocery shopping, meal preparation, planning social activities and health appointments.
The report showed men taking more responsibility for finances, home and garden maintenanace and arranging bills.
Among couples with children living with them, over 70% of women cited responsibility for most household chores, and even among dual career couples, this prevailed.
According to the European Institute for Gender Equality, housework and care for the elderly is not distributed equally. In the U.K., results of a survey found that over 50% of women believe this type of equality is reverting to the 1970s, and are struggling to cope.
The impact
It is evident that an overload of housework and childcare negatively impacts women's well-being, and is associated with depression, anxiety, stress and sleep disturbance. Burnout, frustration and having less capacity feature. In other words, the battery gets drained.
If women are overloaded at home, this reduces their contribution and progression at work. The relationship also becomes under strain as resentments build up, tension increases and sex declines. Stress dampens libidos.
A dissatisfaction with life and the relationship deepens. There is a cognitive and emotional dimension to household tasks and childcare, which women tend to absorb: Planning, making lists, home management, meal preparations, arranging playdates and logistics, sorting clothes, problem-solving and more.
An unequal share of domestic chores has the propensity to induce a deterioration in mental health status, such as distress, exhaustion and anger.
There is an invisibility of cognitive and emotional labour, with little or no positive feedback and mundane chores. Contrary to the belief, women aren't designed to multi-task, it is often expected of them, or they expect it of themselves.
Contributing factors
The more stress and time poverty each partner experiences, the less capacity they have for each other and home life. It becomes more competitive among couples as they scramble for 'me time' and headspace.
A disconnect evolves as the partner's load is not taken into consideration. The focus on 'the other,' as it was when dating, shifts to a more self-centred position. Ingrained attitudes, upbringing and social conditioning can arise, with more value given to paid work and the man's job.
Women tend to be socialised to be caring, nurturing and can be self-sacrificing. Roles gradually get assigned based on these. If the roles fit, it works well, but if not, there are negative consequences.
The differences among couples can create conflict. Personality types, coping styles and standards can influence the division of labour.
One partner may want a spotlessly clean and tidy environment, whereas the other is content with a little mess. Men can feel that nothing is ever good enough.
What feels like having repeated requests ignored for women, can feel like pettiness and being nagged at for men.
Women can be judged more harshly than men about the state of their homes and children. If a child turns up for school with odd socks and messy hair, people usually laugh it off if the father was responsible, but negatively judge if it was the mother.
Mental health conditions, substance abuse and other challenges can also negate a fairer share of household duties. Unsurprisingly, a person's capacity to chip in will be reduced if hungover.
Studies have shown that women get more stressed by clutter than men, as indicated by raised cortisol levels. A messy home can actually affect their mood.
The gendered affordance theory explains how we experience the environment and the implied actions attached: Women may see the countertop with crumbs on it, as well as the next step of wiping it down (the affordance). Men, however, may just observe the crumbs.
Neuroscience shows different sensitivities to environmental cues, and an affordance triggers parts of the brain to instigate an action. Women in the kitchen see an affordance, such as dishes in need of cleaning, whereas men don't have the same urge to action.
How to cultivate domestic harmony
1. Explore and name the differences, including upbringing, ingrained attitudes and expectations. Deep- seated beliefs may need to be challenged and shifted if the system is not working.
2. Place value on your partner's work in the home or outside. Give authentic and positive feedback on a regular basis. Show appreciation.
Psychologist and researcher John Gottman refers to couples' responses as 'bids of connection' which can make or break a relationship. Bids may be compliments, affiliating gestures, efforts made, thoughtfulness, showing interest, paying attention to you, and understanding your world. Give each other breaks.
Excessive phone use is a modern disconnecting behaviour from family life. How much time could be spent helping around the house or engaging with children instead of being on screen?
3. Set reasonable standards instead of compulsive or perfectionistic ones. Practice letting it 'be clean enough'. Make a list together of chores and discuss the cognitive and emotional load. Drop a few tasks from the list and divide in to daily, weekly and monthly chores. Mutually decide who is better suited to what. Review every few weeks. Communicate each other's stress levels and capacities. If clutter and untidiness put you in bad form, explain to your partner that this is not about being fussy. It's for your headspace.
4. Go beyond chores and assess if they could be a dumping ground for other underlying issues within yourself or in the relationship. Engage in a few sessions with a couples counsellor.
5. If you're feeling the strain, be assertive and express clearly your needs in a meeting, rather than giving out as you pass through the house. Don't expect your partner to be a mind-reader.
6. If finances allow, outsource. Don't be too self-sacrificing. Ask for help with childcare, and get help with cleaning.
7. Remember your partner is not doing less deliberately. If he is, that's a serious issue. The gendered affordance theory shows how men and women see their environments. People can cultivate habits to overcome this by setting reminders and doing action tasks as they go.
8. Both partners can put some sparkle into mundane chores by listening to music or a podcast, framing it as physical activity or absorbing a sense of achievement.
The benefits of a more shared distribution of domestic chores include less resentment, less stress, more harmony, a more secure connection and more capacity for parenting, fun and sex.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
