Public Henemy: Hen party etiquette rules I learned the hard way
Kate Brayden breaks down the don'ts of a hen party, from planners to participants.
Disclaimer: this article contains notes of pettiness and exaggeration for comedic effect. That being said, I stand by every word and accept the consequences.
In Ireland, there's a rite of passage that happens when you hit your late 20s and early 30s. It’s not buying your first home or getting a pension, obviously. It is the arrival of the most dangerous notification of all: the hen party group chat invite.
Being part of your friend’s pre-Big Day bash is a lovely thing, and, usually, a great time is had by all involved.
It’s nice to know that someone out there thinks you’d be a somewhat civilised, high-value party guest. If you were never added to a single group chat trying to celebrate someone’s milestone, you’d probably be worried.
All of that being said, it’s time to publicly shame certain specific habits at hen parties. Inspired by my conversations over the last year with friends, cousins, relatives and even strangers in the pub, a list has been compiled of the worst crimes to commit at these gatherings.
I am not innocent of these crimes myself, so I am expecting tomatoes thrown - which is fine, as they are not stones or bridesmaid bouquets.
Know thy henemy…and the itinerary
Before we get defensive, there’s nothing wrong with an organised diary and an Excel spreadsheet. Where would we be without the person who sends you a link to the colour-coded planning document?
However, when you’re devoting a lot of time and money to attend someone’s hen party, and the High Priestess of the Itinerary has that wild glint in their eye, you know it’s not going to be one bit relaxing.
Organisation is key when you’re herding 10 to 20 people around like sheep, but it’s important to remember that your hens are not kids and this isn’t a primary school trip to the National Aquatic Centre. If someone doesn’t want to follow every minute of the hen party itinerary, let them do their own thing for part of the day.
When every single element is compulsory and socially heavy, there’s bound to be someone there who needs to disassociate alone for 30 minutes. Throw us neurodivergents a bone, I beg.
Behind henemy lines - and cliques
One of the worst possible occurrences at hen parties is exclusion. Flashbacks to secondary school - the teenage girl equivalent of being chased by a bear for six years - come flooding back when 15 grown women don’t know how to include people they don’t know for one or two nights away.
You have plenty of time to see your current friends or catch up with old ones without cutting people out of a conversation by using inside jokes or niche references.
The bride - if they’re sound - will notice when some of her attendees are on the outside of the circle, and could end up feeling anxious as a result. It’s not that hard to make a few minutes of light small talk over an overpriced espresso martini and remember a few new names.
Your own worst henemy
While hen parties are a natural place for people to reminisce on their own wedding and hen party experiences, comparison is the thief of joy. Is it necessary to compare this hen to yours the entire weekend?
In the words of the great Jemima Kirke, "I think you’re thinking about yourself too much."
There’s a reason most people try to have a unique hen to others around them: it’s because that’s what they consider to be a fun time. If you thought yours was better, that’s probably because you or your bridesmaids chose the activity based on your interests.
Don’t knock what others do, and especially not within the bride or bridesmaids’ earshot. You preferred a spa to canoeing down a river? Keep that as an inside thought until you’re home and around a neutral third party. Or go journal about it!
Keep your henemies close - but your presumptions to yourself
It’s important not to presume that everyone who attends a hen party also wants their own hen party, or even a wedding at all. Milestones look different for everyone, and so does their idea of a celebration.
Don’t be that person who asks another attendee when they might get engaged, if they have a partner - or imply that their day will soon come if they’re single. It creates uncomfortable moments at best and can make people feel like their life isn’t fulfilled at worst.
Hen parties are a way of making someone feel special, but we should do that for all big moments in our friends’ lives. For some people, the traditions and big family wedding are a bucket list dream, and we should be thrilled to be there for that friend or family member when that dream comes true - but the same energy needs to be brought for other major moments too.
Henemy of the state (and a bad sport)
It shouldn’t need to be said, but if you would be absolutely miserable doing a certain activity - paint-balling, taking a dance class, pottery painting or whatever it is - don’t ruin the fun for the bride.
I fully back the notion that bridesmaids should have a right to spray water on a bad craic attendee like a cat who has scratched the carpet - if (and only if) they cannot hide how little fun they are having.
The vibes must remain high, and that can only be achieved if everyone goes along with the hard work of the organisers and ignores smaller annoyances or mishaps throughout the day.
Plus, you probably paid a lot to be there, so you may as well get your money's worth by at least attempting to enjoy the slightly dodgy bumper cars or boat down the Shannon.
Cheap-ing with the henemy
As someone who has attended and organised hens, it has to be said that the financial burden can often be strenuous on attendees - and especially bridesmaids. It shouldn’t be seen as abnormal to try to make sure as many loved ones as possible can attend.
If you’re in the position to throw a five-day hen party in Ibiza, that’s amazing. But clearly a lot of people won’t be able to take annual leave for that, nor could they afford flights, accommodation and spending money when they likely want to choose their own holiday that year.
There shouldn’t be judgement if someone tells you they can’t come to the hen because of financial reasons. It’s a hard time to live in Ireland right now, and everyone has different priorities they may need financial stability and savings for.
That being said, when you’re the bridesmaid getting shorted - a new henemy is anointed.
If you need time to pay someone back, just let them know. I’ve given people very extended deadlines if they haven’t received their paycheck yet or need extra time to give their part of the accommodation or activity money.
But if a bridesmaid has sent multiple reminders in the group chat without calling anyone out, check your Revolut and bills: make sure you haven’t left someone short.
One bridesmaid can’t constantly foot the major costs, even if they are eventually paid in full. Try to be mindful of everyone’s financial situation and salary. It’s awkward to talk about money with both friends and strangers, but Irish people need to get more direct.
Final spicy take: please can we end the practice of forcing people to wear specific coloured outfits, costumes or uniforms on hen parties? They’re expensive enough without having to buy a Grease-themed Ladies Night jacket at Party World.
I have plenty more where that came from in terms of slightly embittered thoughts on hen parties, but, unfortunately, I’m all out of enemy puns.
At the end of the day, hens are a fun tradition some brides want to follow, and a pleasant bonding experience for some of their closest friends. It should be about bringing everyone together before an important moment in their lives, and maybe reaching ossified levels of drunk*.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
* Drink responsibly
