Help! My Boyfriend Just Discovered My Secret Reddit Life. Oh No.
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Dear Prudence,
For reasons I can’t fully articulate, I enjoy writing fake Reddit posts as a creative outlet. I am a prolific poster. I concoct outlandish but plausible situations to post in “AITA” and similar subreddits. Sometimes I take details from real life as inspiration, but in general everything is completely fabricated. Recently, my boyfriend found my Reddit account and read all my posts. Crap.
He was understandably upset—based on my post history, it looks like I’ve cheated on him with dozens of people, had a life of crime, lied about my identity, you name it. But it’s all fake, and just something I do for fun. I tried to explain my weird hobby to him, but because there are a few snippets of real life in there, he refuses to believe me. How can I prove to him that I’ve always been faithful and the posts are all false?
—Unreliable Narrator
Dear Unreliable,
I can see how this would be kind of fun. I wonder why you never told your boyfriend about your creative outlet? If you’re as prolific as you say, it must be a pretty big part of your life. And it’s relatively harmless. His refusal to believe that the posts are fake is probably a solvable problem. Could you cross-check dates to prove that you couldn’t have really been engaging in the antics you describe, or get testimonies from old friends? But when I combine his inclination to believe that you have lived a life of crime with the fact that you didn’t tell him about your actual life of online mischief, I’m concerned that you two don’t know each other well or trust each other. It seems like this is mostly out of your control at this point, but if you do break up, make sure your next partner is someone you can tell about your hobby. There’s someone out there who will make you feel comfortable enough to do so—and he might even help you come up with some stories!
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Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I met a man on a dating app. He lives in the U.S. and I live in Canada. We hit it off online and met in person a few months later when I was in his city on vacation. We had an amazing time and ended up sleeping together.
Since then, we have become good friends, and I have visited a few more times. We always had a blast, but I suspected his feelings for me were deepening, so I stopped sleeping with him after that first time. A year ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. I’m not interested in a long-distance relationship, and due to our respective obligations, there is no real way for either of us to move closer to one another.
He was very understanding, but is still very open about his feelings for me. He is actively dating, but tells me after his dates that no one will ever compare to me and that I have ruined him for all other women.
I have been unequivocally clear over the past year that I do not want a relationship with him. But he is a really amazing guy and I want him to find love. I know he’s still carrying a torch for me, and I’m worried that by staying friends with him, I’m ruining his chances of finding someone. At the same time, he’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. I’m not sure if I should end the friendship for his sake, or continue being friends and let him make that decision if and when he wants to?
—Unrequited
Dear Unrequited,
You’re right that he’s a grown man, and that you’re not responsible for freeing up his emotions so he can find someone who loves him back. He will be fine. But what about you? I can’t help but think this tension around your misaligned feelings, and your slight sense of guilt about it, and especially the discomfort you must feel when he says things like “you’ve ruined me for all other women” takes a toll. Is that kind of friendship really what you want? Especially knowing that he really wants more. It sounds stressful, and potentially explosive. You don’t have to cut him off, but I think you should stop the visits. Just like you’re allegedly ruining him for all other women, he’s getting in the way of you spending your time with friends who are satisfied with friendship.
Dear Prudence,
I just got broken up with after a short (two months) but meaningful relationship, mostly long distance. They were up front about their anxious-avoidant attachment, but it still caught me off guard when a week before I was set to visit them across the country, they abruptly ended things.
The breakup came just as intimacy between us was really starting to deepen and I was imagining a future together. What happened was I had expressed that I would feel jealousy if someone else hit on them, and that sent them spiraling. They said they felt responsible for my feelings and asked for a week of space, then after announcing that we’re done—no interest in my feelings, no repair. It’s been really painful.
They had told me they were actively working on healing their avoidant-attachment in therapy so they could stay open to me, so I thought there was hope. And they have been able to repair small disagreements with me. I’m struggling to reconcile the sweet person I was seeing with the one who coldly ended things and blamed it on “incompatibility.” I miss them terribly and keep hoping they’ll come around and realize what we were building was real. How do I make peace with this ending that feels so jarring? Am I missing something?
—Rug Pulled Out
Dear Rug Pulled Out,
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Help! My Boyfriend Just Discovered My Secret Reddit Life. Oh No.
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They know what they were building was real and that’s exactly why they freaked out.You don’t need to get them to realize it. That’s my theory at least. I know that doesn’t make this any easier, and you don’t have to make peace with it right away. Even if you feel the reasons for the breakup were irrational or an overreaction, you lost someone who you really cared about. You’re allowed to be upset, sad, and deeply disappointed. For as long as you want! Don’t force yourself to feel better about it. After you’ve had a chance to mourn, I hope you can see that while the breakup wasn’t your choice, this relationship probably wasn’t great for you, either. This person told you they had an avoidant attachment style! And then they showed you that they were easily spooked by normal relationship stuff, and afraid of emotional intimacy. While your imagined relationship with the healed, healthy version of your partner was great, the actual evidence in the two months you were together was not impressive. I could never encourage you to pursue someone so hot and cold, wishy washy, and reactive. Yes, the ending was painful, but a relationship that continued wouldn’t have been even more painful.
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My son’s father and I divorced amicably two years ago. Neither of us is remarried or in a relationship. My concern is that he doesn’t feel “at home” in either of our homes. My son refers to our house as “my mom’s house” and his and his dad’s house in the same way. He and I are currently moving, and he told someone, “My mom is moving.” Is there any way to help him feel like he has two homes and belongs to both?
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