Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who Lost
WASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. “If they’re not standing on that podium, they’re traitors who should be executed, so when exactly do I get to do that?” said Trump, wondering whether athletes who failed to medal would be strangled to death upon their return to the United States, discreetly poisoned at the Olympic Village, or just shot through the head the moment they fell during their short program or allowed a puck to get past them for a game-deciding goal. “And even if we spare athletes who won the silver or bronze, they should probably have a limb sawed off for coming up short. Can we do that right when they get their final scores on TV?” Trump added that even a gold medalist should be killed if they ever criticized him and that their deaths should be much slower than all the others.
