Daniel Murray outlines the importance of empathy in leadership roles
Early in my consulting career, I had the chance to work with someone who was simply a brilliant leader.
At the time, he didn’t actually have the title of leader.
We were peers in a team, but he was certainly wiser and more experienced than me and most of the other people in the team.
Steve was a talented consultant but an even better people leader. I learned so much during those early years on managing stakeholders, handling conflict and finding solutions when everyone else was ready to give up.
Steve and I formed a friendship on top of work, regularly grabbing a beer after work or cycling around Sydney on the weekends.
It was more than ten years later that I would reunite with Steve.
He was working to build a new team and needed some good consultants to help deliver the work.
I jumped at the chance! However, after just a few months, I knew this wasn’t the right role for me. This put me in an awkward position.
I really liked Steve and knew he needed people to grow his team, but I also knew that my staying there was the wrong move for everyone involved.
I just didn’t know how to tell him. I asked Steve for a meeting and he agreed. He suggested we go to a café rather than a boring meeting room.
After sitting down, I was immediately feeling nervous about how to say something that I knew Steve didn’t want to hear.
The waiter came over to take our orders and bought me a few seconds.
Once the waiter left, Steve turned to me and said, “Just so you know, our friendship is far more important to me than any job”.
It was like a line out of a movie, perfectly timed and worded. Steve had obviously known that I wasn’t happy and that while my decision to leave would be a challenge for him, it was the right thing to do.
He also likely observed that I was feeling nervous and a little guilty about having to leave and he made sure this wasn’t the focus of the conversation.
This was a masterstroke in empathic leadership.
As Steve highlighted to me so brilliantly, our friendships and personal relationships should exist outside the decisions we make on specific issues and topics.
Making a decision that my friend doesn’t agree with doesn’t mean I like my friend any less than before.
Moreover, your decisions as a leader should be based on your best judgement using the data and information you have at your disposal.
They shouldn’t be swayed by the opinions of friends who don’t have the same level of information or responsibility for decision making.
If they have valuable information, yes you should listen and incorporate that into your decisions.
Just don’t let their opinions overwhelm the decision-making process based on your relationship alone.
One of the most challenging aspects of leadership is accepting that no decision will satisfy everyone, especially those closest to you.
In the case above with Steve, my decision was not ideal for him, but he accepted it and used the opportunity to reiterate how much he valued our relationship, which lives on strong to this day. Leaders must develop resilience around decision-making.
A strong sense of self-assurance is required to navigate the inevitable dissent and dissatisfaction that will be felt, and often voiced, by some people when a decision is made.
Role modelling this level of acceptance and resilience is a critical element of a leader. It is essential to communicate openly and honestly, explaining the rationale behind decisions and acknowledging the concerns of those who disagree.
Empathy helps deliver these challenging decisions more gracefully and with greater clarity as it supports the alignment of the decision drivers with the uncovered needs, desires and beliefs of the people we are communicating with.
By genuinely understanding the various stakeholders involved, leaders can explain decisions in a way that mitigates feelings of resentment and fosters a culture of respect.
This does not mean everyone will be delighted. It will also not eliminate conflict.
It can, however, transform what can be hidden resentment or underground politics into more constructive dialogue, where differing viewpoints are acknowledged, explored and valued.
In this way, empathy is a powerful tool for fostering trust and understanding, both before and after decisions are made.
When leaders take the time to connect with their team members, understand their perspectives and engage their views in the decision-making process, it fosters greater acknowledgement and respect.
Leading with empathy transforms not only the way leaders make specific decisions but also the way they see the world.
Empathetic leaders are more aware of the impacts of their decisions on various stakeholder groups as they have invested the time to better understand them, sometimes on numerous occasions or for significant amounts of time.
They become more skilled at understanding others and more attuned to different stakeholder perspectives.
Empathy allows us to build relationships beyond rapport. It allows us to build deep, trusting relationships that can be the catalysts for transformational change.
This is an edited extract from The Empathy Gap: The Bridge to Real Connection and Lasting Influence by Daniel Murray published by Wiley
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