Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs
WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. “These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediately—I don’t care how many vaccine trials I have to cancel,” said Trump, signaling an end to all ongoing cancer research in order to “harness the magic” that the Smurfs control. “We are working closely with Gargamel, who will be given full access to any weaponry or troops he may need in his quest, and I promise you we won’t need any studies into reversing Alzheimer’s once we have the very beautiful lady Smurf in our grasp, which will be very soon. We have all the reports showing that Brainy Smurf is just weeks away from enriching uranium, and that is a threat to our freedom we simply will not tolerate.” At press time, the president blamed “bad intelligence” after a missile strike targeting Papa Smurf’s mushroom home accidentally destroyed a nearby school full of Borrowers.
