The 7 subtle signs your marriage is heading towards divorce by an expert - and the one thing you can do tonight to stop it... (and it's nothing to do with your sex life!)
We all know doom-scrolling on our phones is bad for our mental health. But could you also be using it to dial D for divorce?Social scientists say the romance-killing habit of 'phubbing' – that's 'phone + snubbing', or distractedly checking your phone rather than listening to your partner – is a recognised relationship killer. Indeed, one team of researchers has labelled the reduced eye contact from phubbing 'a subtle but persistent form of partner neglect'.London-based couples' therapist and former divorce lawyer Joanna Harrison says phones can quickly breed resentment in a marriage. From women feeling they're doing all the heavy-lifting at home while their partner is on their phone, to couples simply ignoring each other while glued to social media feeds, once the tiny screen in our hands takes priority, the problems pile up. Worse, in address books, on photo feeds or in online searches, phones can hide big secrets.'As a therapist, when I see couples on their phones in restaurants, not talking to each other, it really upsets me,' says Joanna, author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why The Washing Up Matters.In fact, one of the things couples often tell her when they come to therapy is how much they 'appreciate having the space and time in my room to talk and connect' rather than sitting alone gazing at a smartphone. Couples' therapist and former divorce lawyer Joanna Harrison says phones can quickly breed resentment in a marriageThe solution? 'Putting your phones away is the best investment you can make in your relationship,' says Joanna.Here's why the tech in your hand has become a tyrant - and how to make a better connection...You're zoning out of family timeRecent research revealed the average Brit can only focus for around 15 minutes while watching a TV programme, or 14 minutes at a family get-together, before getting distracted by social media and zoning out. Notifications from apps like WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook are the main culp and are essentially killing our ability to concentrate – or enjoy each other's company.'We are all time-poor,' says Joanna, 'but phones are a 'time-suck' and when leisure-time gets eaten up by phone-time, we miss out on valuable opportunities for connection.'You're sending the wrong messagesJoanna says a common couples' problem is when one partner wants to talk about something but the other only half-listens…because they're on their phone.'You want to feel your partner has a fullness of time for you, but if the concentration goes, because the phone is there, it transmits a message they're not available,' she says. 'Instead of checking your messages, check the messages you are conveying to each other.'He's 'phubbing' youPhone snubbing is a real issue, says Joanna. Many of us even forget to say hello and goodbye! 'Don't walk in and make looking at your phone the first thing you do,' she says. 'And if you're at home, make sure you look up from your phone when your partner comes in.' Researchers say that reduced eye contact from phubbing – that's 'phone snubbing', or distractedly checking your phone rather than listening to your partner – 'a subtle but persistent form of partner neglect'The solution is better communication about – rather than using – the tech itself. 'It is really helpful if you communicate actively with each other about your phone use. Saying, 'I just need to reply to this text, which has come in urgently. Do you mind if I take two minutes?', is more likely to make the other person feel held in mind, than if you go on your phone without warning.'Your connection is glitchingNo, not your WiFi – your emotional connection. The more we reach for our phones, the less we reach for each other, says Joanna. 'Our phones can feel like a comfort blanket, especially when we're tired or overwhelmed. But if the phone becomes the go-to, instead of each other, there's a missed opportunity to talk feelings through.' One of the classic relationship problems she encounters is when one partner – often a tired parent – likes to hide in the bedroom (or loo) with their phone. 'If it feels like you need a breather from home-life, that's okay, you're only human. But it might also be a sign the two of you need to look at how you are sharing chores.'Your phone kills intimacyAnother common phone sin is taking our handsets into the bedroom and scrolling before sleep. Not only does this compromise the quality and length of our shut-eye, it can also have serious implications for our love lives. 'There should definitely be a no-phone policy in the bedroom, unless you genuinely need it in case of emergency,' says Joanna'There should definitely be a no phone policy in the bedroom, unless you genuinely need it in case of emergency,' she says. 'Last thing at night and first thing in the morning are special, sacred moments for a couple. If you turn away from each other to check your phone, instead of towards each other, you've lost a connection.'You're anxious about what they're watchingBeing ignored for mind-rotting reels is one thing, but what happens if you start to suspect your other half isn't watching innocent content, or is even cheating? If they're hiding their handset from you, it can be a red flag, says Joanna. 'There's a whole other issue around secret phone use, which can indicate someone is addicted to porn, for example, or is having an affair. And of course those can cause serious problems in a relationship. But what's more common in my experience – and therefore more of a problem - is people just drifting apart because of their phone use.'You're not even seeing the problem'What leads to divorce is people losing closeness, building up resentments, feeling unseen or uncared for,' warns Joanna. 'Whether you're so unhappy, you don't want to talk to each other and so retreat into your phone, or the phone has simply taken over [your time together as a couple], you need to look up from the screen and pay attention to your relationship.'WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP YOUR MOBILE DOWNSTAIRS 1. Schedule time togetherPut your phone to good use for once, and schedule time outs for you both on its calendar app.Block in talking time and don't use it just for family logistics (who's doing parents' evening, who's buying supper), but for really describing how you are feeling. Make time for shared experiences, too, even if it's just a long walk together where you are both not on your phone.2. Sign a contractNot with your mobile provider, but with each other. If you need 45 minutes on your phone for work in the evening, then agree the best time for both of you.And tell each other what you're doing on it. Are you answering emails? Checking the news? 'People forget the person who isn't on their phone never quite knows what the other is doing,' Joanna says.3. Have a phone homeIf your phone lives in a certain place and isn't at your side all the time, you're less likely to pick it up in the middle of a conversation. 'Having a designated place for your handset is important, as we all need physical space from our addictive phones.'4. Ringfence no-phone momentsMake it a rule that the phone is down when you say hello and goodbye, and when you watch TV or eat together.'Be intentional about particular moments of the day when you protect your relationship from phones.'5. Never let them upstairsKeep phones not only out of the bedroom, but always downstairs. 'If our phones accompany us while we are in the bath, on the toilet, or in the bedroom, we lose sensory contact with our own bodies as well as our relationships,' says Joanna.6. Send a text messageYes, really. Here's when your phone can actually help. If you're mid-disagreement, a funny, emoji-strewn text can defuse all sorts of emotions and remind you why you love each other.'I know couples who are in the middle of an argument and de-escalate it by sending a text,' says Joanna.Joanna Harrison is a couples' counsellor, Instagram: @joannaharrisoncoupletherapy
