Colman Noctor: Children need our presence during festive season not a performance
AS a psychotherapist, I know that the more perfect we want Christmas to be, the less likely it is to turn out that way. However, as a parent, I sometimes forget this.While I don’t obsess over the perfectly-cooked dinner or matching pyjamas, I tend to get caught up in the chaos of gift-giving and excess spending. I love Christmas, I always have. I embrace the build-up, busy shops, and the frenzy, and when I go to public places in December, I often lament that “It doesn’t feel very Christmassy”.Every Christmas, I tell myself that this year, it will be calmer. Simpler. That I won’t get swept up in expectations or overspend on decorations and presents, but then I walk into a shop, Mariah Carey singing in the background, and all my resolve disappears.Intellectually, I understand that Christmas is meant to be experienced rather than performed, but my emotions win out. That is, until the last two weeks of January come around, and I realise that my bank card didn’t get the memo.The seduction of excess happens because Christmas is, above all, the season of expectation. We are sold a polished idea of what it should look like: The perfect meal, gifts, behaviour, and family harmony. The pressure of these expectations doesn’t stop with us — it lands squarely on our children, too. While children are brilliant observers, they are not great interpreters. They absorb the glossy images from films and adverts, but don’t see any of the budgeting or the logistics going on in the background. The accumulation of pressure and excitement leads to the inevitable moment on Christmas Day when someone has an emotional meltdown. Sometimes it’s the child. Sometimes, it’s the adult.Despite what some may assume — primarily because I am a child psychotherapist — my children are not perfect. Christmas in our house has the same tiredness, overwhelm, arguments and, occasionally, someone lying about not having a selection box for breakfast, as any other home in the country. This isn’t a parenting failure. It’s reality.
Children often struggle on Christmas Day because of the constant build-up of excitement, perhaps fuelled by our actions as parents. Much of this pressure comes from our own histories. We chase the Christmas we remember, or the one we wish we had
Memory, of course, is selective. The joyful memories linger, while the stressful ones fade. The result is a picture-perfect Christmas that no real family can consistently live up to.I often see signs of “emotional whiplash”. The build-up is enormous, the anticipation electric, and then the day finally arrives. Of course, it can be lovely and meaningful, but it is still just one day, with limited time and limited nervous systems. Children, especially, can become overwhelmed, sometimes even before breakfast.When the crash comes, parents worry they’ve done something wrong. The truth is more straightforward: Children aren’t ungrateful or disappointed; they’re human, navigating an experience pumped full of emotional helium. So expect the fallout and absorb it as par for the Christmas Day course.Lower the bar Perhaps we all need to bring our expectations back down to earth.The aim is to lower the bar without reducing the joy. Maybe a peaceful Christmas comes not from chasing expectations, but from adjusting them?When I ask myself, what do my children actually need from Christmas? Not what Instagram suggests, but what really matters. The answers are surprisingly modest. They include time with their parents, of course, some treats, moments of connection, a sense of safety, and a bit of routine beneath the chaos.None of this requires excess spending or a house that looks like a winter wonderland. It requires presence, not performance. And presence, unfortunately, is often the first thing lost when we get caught up in the noise.Cost matters, too. Many families are feeling the pinch of rising costs, which will mean less excess this year. And that’s no bad thing. While we can’t, and shouldn’t, protect children from all disappointment, we can perhaps help them develop a healthier relationship with expectations. This year, I have had honest conversations with my children about how films aren’t real life; that excitement can tip into pressure; that not every present will be perfect; that siblings will still argue, but none of it ruins Christmas.During the holidays, I’m also going to build in some downtime and have somewhat reasonable bedtimes, which I hope will act as emotional shock absorbers for everyone.Being present and realistic As parents, we also need to mind our own expectations. The weight we place on ourselves is often heavier than anything our children ask for. Different family structures, financial stress, grief, or comparison with others all add to the load.But children remember how Christmas was experienced, not how it looked. They remember warmth, humour, and togetherness, not the perfectly wrapped presents or the cleanliness of the house.Paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott is often quoted for his concept of the “good enough parent”, which can be summarised as being present, kind, and realistic.I’m trying to hold onto the idea of a “good enough” Christmas by choosing connection over chaos, accepting tiredness and mess as par for the course, and allowing imperfection to be part of the deal.Christmas can be joyful, stressful, nostalgic and overwhelming all at once. I need to remind myself that my job isn’t to script the perfect day, but to create space for genuine moments to happen.When we manage expectations, our children’s and our own, we can hopefully make room for what matters most: Presence, warmth, connection and enoughness.
Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
