The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV
As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century.
The Onion : Thank you for taking the time to speak today. What has been your most memorable experience since ascending to the papacy?Pope Leo XIV: The time they wouldn’t let me into St. Peter’s Basilica because I was wearing a wifebeater.
Has being American affected your time as pope at all?Yes. When people in America say “Hail Mary,” they’re usually talking about football. But here, “Hail Mary” means “happy birthday.”
What was the first action you took as pope?I released 300 altar boys back into the wild.
It must be boring having to go to church so much.Yes.
Given the season, what lessons do you think believers and nonbelievers should take from the story of Easter?Always make sure you know what someone’s planning when they ask you to bring a cross somewhere.
What’s your go-to place for hiding Easter eggs?I gotta go with under stuff. Not many people think to look under stuff.
How was your relationship with your predecessor Pope Francis?He always made me the back of our two-person God costume at parties. Wasn’t sorry to see him go.
Who is your dream starting five with popes?Hoo. Let’s see. I’d go Innocent II as my point guard. John III for my shooting guard. Boniface V as my small forward. Gotta go with Benedict XI at power forward. And it’s a little basic, but I’d put Pius VI in the five spot.
Is there ever a scenario in which abortion is justified?Jesus fucking Christ, I thought you’d be asking about my favorite deep-dish place or something.
How do you turn regular water into holy water?Boil eight hot dogs in it, then let it cool.
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