Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House
SAN ANTONIO—With the GOP’s redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the floor as gerrymandering ripped through the kitchen of their home.
At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a dining table that, unbeknownst to them, sat over the border of the state’s newly created 21st and 35th congressional districts. As the gerrymander drew closer, the increasingly violent tremors reportedly caused silverware to clatter and ceiling tiles to crumble, with the family members clinging desperately to each other until a massive rupture in the floor tore Dan away from his wife and daughters on the basis of perceived partisan affiliation.
“Sweetheart, hey, it’s okay—Daddy is apparently just seen as a safe right-leaning voter,” the 53-year- old father said to his daughter Emma, who began to scream as the gerrymander devastated the family’s home and created a three-foot-wide chasm that pulled him ever farther away. “It’s just because I’m a little more conservative than your mom. Don’t cry, baby. I’ll be okay.”
“Now, get out of here, before it’s too late!” he added, tearing up as the encircling powers of redistricting separated him from the rest of his family forever.
Witnesses indicated that as the electoral abyss grew large enough to swallow their home, the remaining family members rushed to their front lawn, where they watched as the widening fissures isolated their horrified Hispanic neighbors, swallowed pets, and cleaved their suburb into demographically aligned districts in an effort to secure five additional seats for Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives.
According to sources, Jody Marshall and her children then sped away in their Range Rover with the electoral boundaries behind them cracking through the asphalt of downtown San Antonio and cleaving a left-leaning 20th district from a solidly Republican 21st. In the process, the legislative force reportedly zigzagged through a Baptist church, encircled a historically Black neighborhood, and then cut a seemingly endless abyss into San Antonio’s Riverwalk, consuming several dozen pedestrians and shoppers as part of a wider effort to ensure no more than eight of the deep red state’s 38 House seats remained in Democratic hands.
“Keep driving, goddammit! This thing is right on our asses,” teenager Karyn Marshall screamed at her mother as they turned onto Interstate 410 and a powerful gerrymander rushed closely behind them, tearing down exploding power lines, bisecting a water tower, and forcing an 18-wheeler to overturn in its tenacious pursuit of a decisive Republican advantage. “Turn left here at the off ramp to Alamo Heights! There! There, for Christ’s sake.”
“If we don’t get to a Republican district soon, it’ll swallow us whole,” she continued.
Since the Texas State Legislature approved redrawn electoral maps in late August, small tremors have been reported as far north as Plano, TX, with window panes shaking and hundreds of rattled wild horses, bobcats, and white-tailed deer running into oncoming traffic. But this week, witnesses began to notice cracks “at least 10 feet wide” emanating from the Capitol building in Austin and proceeding south, west, and east as they divided up the state on racial, ethnic, and ideological lines.
Currently, much of the Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas metropolitan areas lay in ruins, with rapidly spreading gerrymanders reportedly tearing apart friends, families, and church groups, and overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a state ravaged by the electoral scheme urged by the U.S. Department of Justice.
“Big WIN for the Great State of Texas!!!” President Trump wrote in a Truth Social post published in response to the devastation that left 35 dead and 828 injured. “We’re on our way to FIVE more Congressional seats and saving your Rights, your Freedoms, and your Country itself. Texas never lets us down!”
“Florida, Indiana, and others, you’re next!” Trump added.
At press time, experts warned that three separate gerrymanders were encircling the Comanche Nuclear Power Plant outside Fort Worth.
